I am not real.

It is intense sometimes the feeling that one can get just from being around another person. To sit and listen to them talk about their life and their struggles—to see the pain in their eyes and hear the pain in their voice. It’s hard. It is hard not to get angry at life in general sometimes because it makes you feel like shit.

I’ve recently learned that it is difficult to live vicariously through others. To be able to have this alternate reality happening—one that is not quite as good as it could be if you were actually living it, but I guess that is just a fact of life. We all have regrets about this that we have done or things we have left undone, but at the end of the day it is these things that make us who we are. That push us to be better people, to make the effort to listen more and to understand what is happening, even though we have no idea what is happening to ourselves. It’s not easy, it’s not simple, and it’s not fun. I used to say that I never have regrets, but now as I sit and think about that more, with things that are happening around me now, I realize more and more that I probably do have a few regrets. There are some things I would have liked to done. There are some things that I wish I had thought about more before doing them. Oh well I guess, but it’s not that easy sometimes. I think that when we feel like we have wasted our time or missed out on something, we tend to think about all of the negative aspects that has brought to our life. But when we think about the things that those decisions put into motion, some of those things would not have happened. Many of those things would not have made it out—they would still be trapped inside, just waiting for the right moment that might not ever come. It hurts me to think about these things. Probably for good reason, but maybe because they are so real. They are amazingly real, and that is scary.

Intense feelings seem to be flowing from my heart. Intense for so many things. Feelings of love, hurt, joy, pain. I’ve been angry and I don’t like it. I don’t like to be mad because I feel like it is rarely prompted. It is rarely needed. To be truly mad. I don’t normally get angry with people, I get angry with myself and that is when I bottom out. I get so worked up inside about something and don’t feel like I have any way to get it out of me. I want to say the thoughts I have to the people I have them about. I want to be honest with myself and with my community. I want to not think about things too much, which I seem to be doing lately. Give it a rest man, I need to mellow out my mind for a while because it is in overload mode and it is making it hard to give the attention to my friends. I’m distracted by my thoughts. They take over. I want to be me, more.

Sometimes desperation is the only thing that gives me hope for something better.