29 October 2005

Therefore...


Disconnection from the natural world is something I think is inevitable when one lives in a city—or even when one lives in a city not. I’ve been reading a book called “The Te of Piglet” which is the 2nd book by Benjamin Hoff, his first being “The Tao of Pooh”. One part of the book in particular struck me as going along with a lot of different aspects of my thoughts and life, currently.

“In other words, modern man’s difficulties, dangerous beliefs, and feelings of loneliness, spiritual emptiness, and personal weakness are caused by his illusions about, and separation from, the natural world. Well, the Taoists told us this sort of mess would happen, and they told us what we could do about it.”


To put it in easy terms, the solution to being separated from nature is reality appreciation. One of the best examples of this is with the non-official Taoist writer Henry David Thoreau:

“…shams and delusions are esteemed for soundest truths, while reality is fabulous. If men would steadily observe realities only, and not allow themselves to be deluded, life, to compare it with such things as we know, would be like a fairy tale and the Arabian Nights’ Entertainments…children who play life, discern its true law and relations more clearly than men, who fail to live it worthily, but who think that they are wiser by experience, that is, by failure…”

I have always had a bit of a problem connecting with reality. I am never too sure of how to explain it in terms that are rational, but I have several writings from when I’ve felt that disconnectedness the most that, well, don’t exactly make the most sense—but in a way make all the sense in the world. I don’t really know what triggers this intense feeling of needing to get away, to connect somehow with what is happening—what I’m experiencing or what others are experiencing. I think that escaping is always my answer to my issues and for a while I thought that was not a good way to deal, but as I’ve seen, it is one of the only ways I can re-connect myself with something that is real, something that is tangible. I might just need to take a walk or a hike or ride my bike or drive across town—sometimes I might need to go further from home, someplace new, maybe I need to take a journey to prove to myself that I can do it—that I’m in control of me—of my actions and my thoughts—proving something to yourself is sometimes the most difficult thing in the world. Especially when you have to prove something like reality or something like self-determination.


Now, I’m not for sure if I can follow myself here, but I just watched the film “Lord of the Flies” from 1962, (Criterion Collection—black and white) an amazing tribute to not only film but also to the human condition, the separation of man from nature and then what happens to man when he is returned to nature, by chance, not by choice. Granted that all of the characters in the story are boys, I don’t think that is a great excuse—just a means to show that even the innocent can prove to be real in some form. If you haven’t read the story, pick up the book first, it is an easy read, but one that has great depth into man, the savage and man the humanitarian. A large group of boys get stranded on a deserted island in the middle of the Pacific and have to use their own instincts to take care of themselves. As the story starts the boys are intent on being true to their English nature, leaving their ties and shirts on until they just can’t take it any more. Slowly their bodies become battered, their clothes become ragged, their nature becomes more and more animalistic, and their minds tend to desert them as slowly they become their “true” selves. One of the characters referred to as Piggy says at one point “I bet it’s gone past tea time” and we are reminded that they are indeed products of their society, products of their schooling, and how ingrained that is, in not only them, but also in us. Drop us onto a deserted island and I’m sure that our true actions and thoughts would soon start to develop, albeit slowly. Isolation is not what this is about, don’t start thinking “Castaway” the Tom Hanks film from a few years back, this is about group dynamics, power, faith and sacrifice. Sacrifices are constantly made by a couple of the characters in particular—if you get the chance to watch the film, watch the progression of two specific characters, Simon and Ralph—both of which show the greatest consistency in their actions—but slowly even they succumb to the wildness that is their home.

I’m not for sure if I have the understanding of myself enough to understand how all this is coming together for me now—how conversations seem to come at just the right time—how thoughts and actions and conversations can all pull themselves together for one sort of thought or idea. All I know is that maybe sometimes what we all think is so “natural” is completely not—maybe we all need to be dropped onto a deserted island, with no idea of when our rescue will arrive just to see ourselves as maybe we should be seen. I hate using a computer, I hate using cell phones and I hate seeing people go so completely crazy over money. Buildings are not really that great, highways cause more stress than the jobs people use them to get to. It is almost too much—just too much to take—and that is where the struggle with reality seems to begin.

So, when thinking about if we are products of our society I lean towards yes—yes we should be more connected with our surroundings that are not concrete and steel—we should attempt to make a connection with ourselves, with our friends—to have true relationships with not only each other but with nature—I don’t like living in the city but I like living near it. I do like having a large park close at hand though, and if you ride deep enough into it you might not realize that you’re in a city, you might just realize that the city is in the park.

27 October 2005

Food for thought?

There are somewhere around 10 billion insects for every square kilometer of land surface. Think about all those lives, all those murderers and egg raiders, cooperators and queens. Here’s a hypothetical: If a pair of houseflies and all their descendants were allowed to reproduce, without attrition, for a single summer, their offspring would, according to entomologist Gilbert Waldbauer, “cover the Earth to a depth of 47 feet.

20 October 2005

Te of Piglet

"It is hard to be brave," said Piglet, sniffing slightly, "when you're only a Very Small Animal."
Rabbit, who had begun to write very busily, looked up and said:
"It is because you are a very small animal that you will be useful in the adventure before us."

19 October 2005

I don't believe. I realize.


As I sit and sip my coffee eagerly on this fall day, some things become more apparent to me. When I start to think about goals, short term goals, long term goals, social goals and even economic goals, things start to overwhelm me and my senses, and that is where the problem begins.

My friend C has been talking a lot about goals lately. His goals for the next year are not all the most realistic but he understand that. He knows his limits but he also knows that life is subject to change at any given moment. Talking about goals is a scary thing for me, mostly because I don't know what I want out of life right now. I don't' seem to be content with living in the city I live in, or with the job that I happen to have, but I do seem to be content to be poor and read a lot. I'm not for sure what that means.

I think that for everyone, setting goals is an important part of processing what is happening around us. We each have goals that we set for the day, such as, I need to get to the grocery store, or I need to do my laundry. If those goals are met, then well, life goes on and things don't change much. I guess overall if we don't reach our goals things don't change much, unless it is a goal that our employer has set for us. That is that is the dangerous goal, when we feel pressured to obtain something that won't actually benefit us.

I think that goals should not only have personal ramifications, but also goals should reflect the sort of lives that we wish to lead. Our goals should be not only to provide for ourselves and those we love but also those around us that are needy as well. Those around us that are caught in a world that doesn't provide them with what they need. Since we live in a world that seems to have everything planned out for us--everything is taken care of and we generally have our basic needs met, maybe some of our goals should engage ourselves to try and provide for those that don't have their basic needs met.

I'm not for sure where it is that I'm going with this, but it is prompted by a homily I heard the other day. It was on being alone and challenging ourselves to be quiet, to take time out to just be quite and alone, and through that we will be able to discover more about ourselves and more about our relationships with each other and more so, with a God. At one point in the homily, he mentioned that to serve the poor from the point of being rich, is not the way things were intended. In fact blessed are the poor. In some way I feel like I need to validate my life right now, and part of that is in not having money. I don't have money to squander on things like clothes and new books. I have the occasional cup of coffee and the occasional dinner out and that is about it. I'm not saying that my "goal" for my life right now is serving the poor directly--I'm not trying to validate laziness...even though I think that sometimes is the idea that people get when I tell them what I'm doing, how I'm feeling. Maybe the people I'm trying to reach are my friends--my family--my relationships. Maybe those people are the ones that I've been deemed to be with--to help and to somehow, help validate their existence now. For awhile I've said I just want a job that will pay me to hang out with the friends I currently have. Well, maybe a job isn't what I'm supposed to have. Maybe I'm just supposed to be with them--listen to them--treat them like an equal and understand their situation and their lives. I love it. Maybe I'm supposed to learn reliance on a community that loves me for who I am--and for me to understand that is the hardest part. To learn to accept what others give to me is so difficult for me to understand. Whether it is a conversation over coffee or a place to sleep and eat, my friends are giving me validation for my life now. They are understanding, loving, giving, and graceful. To get to the point, sometimes to be a giving person doesn't mean going out and feeding the homeless, sometimes being a giving and caring person means sitting and listening to your friend, buying them a cup of coffee, making dinner for someone, or simply giving someone an opportunity to escape.

Thanks to you who allow me to escape. I'm trying to accept your grace.

17 October 2005

I am not real.





It is intense sometimes the feeling that one can get just from being around another person. To sit and listen to them talk about their life and their struggles—to see the pain in their eyes and hear the pain in their voice. It’s hard. It is hard not to get angry at life in general sometimes because it makes you feel like shit.

I’ve recently learned that it is difficult to live vicariously through others. To be able to have this alternate reality happening—one that is not quite as good as it could be if you were actually living it, but I guess that is just a fact of life. We all have regrets about this that we have done or things we have left undone, but at the end of the day it is these things that make us who we are. That push us to be better people, to make the effort to listen more and to understand what is happening, even though we have no idea what is happening to ourselves. It’s not easy, it’s not simple, and it’s not fun. I used to say that I never have regrets, but now as I sit and think about that more, with things that are happening around me now, I realize more and more that I probably do have a few regrets. There are some things I would have liked to done. There are some things that I wish I had thought about more before doing them. Oh well I guess, but it’s not that easy sometimes. I think that when we feel like we have wasted our time or missed out on something, we tend to think about all of the negative aspects that has brought to our life. But when we think about the things that those decisions put into motion, some of those things would not have happened. Many of those things would not have made it out—they would still be trapped inside, just waiting for the right moment that might not ever come. It hurts me to think about these things. Probably for good reason, but maybe because they are so real. They are amazingly real, and that is scary.

Intense feelings seem to be flowing from my heart. Intense for so many things. Feelings of love, hurt, joy, pain. I’ve been angry and I don’t like it. I don’t like to be mad because I feel like it is rarely prompted. It is rarely needed. To be truly mad. I don’t normally get angry with people, I get angry with myself and that is when I bottom out. I get so worked up inside about something and don’t feel like I have any way to get it out of me. I want to say the thoughts I have to the people I have them about. I want to be honest with myself and with my community. I want to not think about things too much, which I seem to be doing lately. Give it a rest man, I need to mellow out my mind for a while because it is in overload mode and it is making it hard to give the attention to my friends. I’m distracted by my thoughts. They take over. I want to be me, more.

Sometimes desperation is the only thing that gives me hope for something better.

14 October 2005

Waiting to be seen. (not my best post)


I’ve been considering a lot lately about relationships. What they mean. How they form, and how they sometimes deteriorate into something that we never intended—or on the opposite how they end up as something we never even thought possible. I’m currently in one of those moments in life where strange thoughts form and odd words flow from people about odd things. It is fall, which is not an excuse, but it is a strange time of year. When things are dying all around us and all we look forward to is warm cider and a fire, but yet all we can seem to muster sometimes is a glass of water and a match.

Friendships seem to drift in this third realm for awhile. A realm of limbo, where they aren’t dead but they aren’t very much alive at all. Then, once some event happens, some gathering, some trip to some place happens, suddenly the friendship is brought out of limbo and into this world again. It takes odd moments of life for certain relationships to be brought back to life. I think this is called being dis-connected, and usually happens when one moves away and leaves their community.

But, what happens when one has friends that are involved in their lives currently. They are around a lot, do things together and have common friends. Then at some point in that short amount of time, something changes and things become different, awkward even. What happens? What is happening? What has changed? Inside information? Definitely not a fight—but maybe something just didn’t click? I’m not for sure. I’m know that we have all experienced this sort of mysticism in friends. One moment certain, the next un.

There is another type of relationship that also happens on a quick and different level, such as the one I mentioned above. The friend that suddenly comes into one’s life and makes a dramatic impact on your thinking, thoughts, feelings and life that you can’t remember a time when that person wasn’t part of your community. This also happened to me recently, as did the above situation. This one is interesting though because I never expected this person to become such a good friend, and I never thought they would have so many similar thoughts and ideas. It is a great thing when something like this happens. When you feel like after a few months you can be completely natural and upfront. You can talk openly and freely and know that they understand what your saying. You listen more and more and realize how much they are like you. People tell you how much you remind them of this person. It’s crazy.

This person doesn’t judge you. They don’t hold you captive based on their assumptions. They let you go, let you be yourself.

One of my goals is to start listening to my friends more. To totally try to understand them, listen to what they are saying, comprehend their words. It’s hard. It is hard to keep myself accountable with something like this, mostly because I have some sort of need to be talking, to get my ideas out there, my thoughts known. I’m trying to keep more to myself, to pay attention. Pay attention.

I guess I’ll have to start trying harder…I’m not for sure if I’m accomplishing my goal.

10 October 2005

Since the house is on fire, let us warm ourselves.


A few thoughts on a book my friend J. got me for my birthday. It is called “Status Anxiety” and is by Alain de Botton, a great philosopher from England who wrote one of my favorite books “The Art of Travel”.

There are 5 main causes for status anxiety, and they are: lovelessness, expectation, meritocracy, snobbery and dependence. The 5 solutions that he proposes for status anxiety are: philosophy, art, politics, religion and bohemia.

Our sense of identity is held captive by the judgments of those we live among.

The price we have paid for expecting to be so much more than our ancestors is a perpetual anxiety that we are far from being all we might be.

What is art good for?

Wealth has become the conventional basis of esteem.

The ruling ideas of every age are always the ideas of the ruling class.

Such destitution was, for a bohemian, vastly to be preferred to the horror of wasting his life on a job he despised. charles Baudelaire declared that all occupation were soul-destroying, save for writing poetry and –even less plausibly—being a warrior. When Marcel Duchamp visited New York in 1915, he described Greenwich Village as a “true bohemia” because the place was, he said “full of people doing nothing”.

A mature solution to status anxiety may be said to begin with the recognition that status is available from, and awarded by, a variety of different audiences—industrialists, bohemians, families, philosophers—and that our choice among them may be free and willed.

04 October 2005

Dependence


Several things have recently been on my mind, as I wondered about the state of Illinois this past weekend. I was able to go to Chicago with my friend and former professor R, who was gracious enough to let me tromp to the windy city with about 40 college sophomores. That in itself is proof of a tiring weekend, but throw in a trip to a Catholic Cathedral, an Orthodox Church a Synagogue, a Mosque, an Episcopal cathedral and a Mennonite commune and you have a glimpse of my weekend of questions and reflection.
Going on this trip for the 3rd time, it provided me a great awareness of my own personal change and progression in my religious thought over the past few years. Moving from what one might call a modern view to a more and ever increasing postmodern view of Christianity and religion as a whole. One of the ideas that stands out to me the most from this past weekend is the easiness with which I was able, in my mind, to accept each of the different views on God, worship, and salvation. I was able to understand, on a better level than before, what each was trying to achieve and how the faith they practice helps them reach for their oneness with God. It was great to be able to see the three major monotheistic religions in a new light: Christianity (Catholic, Episcopal, Mennonite, Orthodox), Judaism and Islam. Three from one is what I like to think, and as I mentioned before, it was much easier this time for me to understand. I learned that there are just as many different Islamic groups as there are Christian. I learned that Islam grants women more rights than other religions and that it is through cultural differences in various countries that we get our distorted view of the oppression of women, not from Islam itself. An idea that was reinforced was that there will be radicals in every religion. Radicalism can be positive and negative. It can force us to think about the status quo or it can force us further into a negative conception of what it represents. Overall, grace and respect is what drives each of the religious leaders that we met with. Respect for not only other religions, other faith and practices, but for integration and dialogue between themselves. Respect for the person that rejects and for the person that accepts and for all in between. Grace and respect lead them to peace, which in my view, is what we all seek in this walk.

03 October 2005