17 December 2006

all of my thoughts

apparantly, i've identified the culprit.
it has something to do with feeling your heart
beat, even though the distance between us is vast.

your never far.

11 December 2006

lately

i can't stop thinking. my sleep stumbles in and out
as i get rapped in my pillows and blankets; my thoughts
turning around and around in my head.
you keep me awake. its the bottom line and it won't change.
it is a constant and unchanging feeling.

it's not a coinscidence.

08 December 2006

there we were.

there was a moment when i saw that it meant so much to you
and we kept drinking and laughing and feeling and understanding
until we were weary and longing for bed, feeling more like
ourselves than we had in so long. it might have taken 2 years
to part the stars that seperated us but when they align
they are perfect and subtle.

30 November 2006

i've been waiting on you for so long.


are we all trying as hard as we can? or are we just sitting and waiting on something better to come around? how long will we wait? will we ever stop waiting? it's like constant anticipation -- looking to the horizon for the next best thing or that perfect someone to walk through the door. i think we can do better. i think we can stop waiting and start acting -- we can start doing something about it. don't you think? sine when did we become so complacent? since always, but it doesn't have to last.

26 October 2006

Bibliophile




I'm normally not one to put up a political cartoon, but this one just got me for some reason.

19 October 2006

it makes us what we are.


It isn't the things that happen to us in our lives that cause us to suffer, it's how we relate to the things that happen to us that causes us to suffer."
-- Pema Chödrön

25 September 2006

Chapter 1

He left her. I tried to stop him, but it was too late. No, I don’t know where he went. I mean, I guess i could try and find him, he might have just went to one of his usual places, but this is different. I’ve never seen him so upset, what did you say?

Jesus, what?! Why? What did he do to you? Why did he just, god, I don’t know anymore. I don’t even want to be here. Leave me alone. Just leave me alone!!

I’m tired. This has taken so much out of me. God, I can’t even go to sleep and its all I want to do. I just can’t keep going on like this. He left, your angry as hell and I’m caught in the middle with no where to turn, I have no options left. I don’t even know who knows about this. We can’t let it get out. No way. There is no way you can tell her. It will be all over then. Jesus, that would be the end, the complete end of all of this. I’d be forced to leave and I have no idea what he would do or where she would go. No, I don’t want to talk about it anymore, just leave me alone, I just need space. Space. Space to just see what I can come up with. I’m just out of possibilities.

Where are you going? I didn’t mean it like that…stay if you want. I just don’t know what to do or say anymore. I’m sorry I didn’t mean, no, I mean, stop, you can leave me – your all I have right now, your all that is keeping me sane, alive. No, please stop! God, fuck! You can’t! I have…what…no, I didn’t mean to hurt you too. God, its like no matter what I say I hurt someone, I can’t sleep, I haven’t eaten in what seems like days, I’m tired and mad and damn I it I just want things to go back to the way they were.

I don’t want to get anyone in trouble any more. I’m done lying to you and everyone else. I’m done. I can’t do it any more, I just can’t take it. It’s killing me. It is draining me. I have nothing left to offer, I am finished. No, its not that easy. I just cant go back there and tell her…no, I can’t, it’s too soon don’t you think? Its too soon. I just want to sit back and let things mellow out for awhile. I want it to blow over – we need space right not. Time to think. I know it sounds cheap but honestly, what more can I do? What can I say that I already haven’t said? What can I do that I haven’t already done? I think we just have to face that facts man, that this is done, over. Bad things do happen to good people. It’s complete shit, I know, but damn, why does it have to be so hard? Why do I have to be the one that had to say it, why did it have to be so difficult – why did it have to hurt so bad, so completely bad.

I hate this. I hate the situation and I hate her. I can’t stand her and let this go on. It’s so cheap, so degrading. I just want it to end. I just want it to end. Please, don’t leave me.

18 September 2006

Hope in the pages.


Perhaps it is the lingering romanticism attached to urban emptiness that invigorates a crowd; the full city and the empty city are ultimately both unnatural states. But it is the empty city that continues to lurk in our culture, a place for the imagination, and more beside, to run wild.

28 July 2006

Missing: One Wednesday in Late July




It is always strange to think about missing a complete day in one’s life. Nothing happens at all, it just drifts past like lazy summer afternoon. I realized that as I was 38,000 feet above the Pacific, that my Wednesday is all of a sudden a Thursday, and that the Tuesday I left L.A. on is now just a mere memory of a day that once was. All of the things that happened that day will no longer exist as things to do, but things once done. If we think about all of the things that happen throughout ones day, the things we eat, consume, waking up, brushing our teeth, saying hello to our significant other, walking or driving to work, those possibilities of getting ahead on the job, making through the day a little fast, a little happier, a little better, all of those chance encounters that could happen at lunch, on smoke breaks outside, or during the commute home, are all suddenly all thrown out the window. All of the new things one might learn are all just left floating about in the air somewhere, waiting for someone else to grad a hold of them and use them. All of the ideas that are needing found are lost forevermore and we are left without one of the days in our life where the one great thing that we are always waiting for just might happen. The lottery will be won, but not by you; the girl you’ve been asking out for a month will accept, but with another suitor; the big contract at work will be won, and the celebrating will include all of your department but you will be missing and get no credit. We might have cried that day, we might have rejoiced, found God, achieved enlightenment or figured out that our lives are a mere coincidence after all. If you think about it, and add up one day for each person on that 747, it adds up to over a years worth of days. Not just Wednesdays, but a complete year of time that goes unaccounted for. It is in those days that people will think about those they left at home, those they are returning to from far away. The loved, the hated, the once forgotten and the chosen forgotten will fly through our minds as we fly through the mushy clouds over Fiji, and the flight attendant brings around breakfast as we think about where we will be in about 2 hours when we land on a different continent. Sitting, staring into some type of space that leaves us unfulfilled and aching, I recline the seat, put on my headphones, and try not to think about the day I just gave up, but the day that I will gain when I return. Each life will be returned its lost day in the end, but it is the feeling of losing something so precious that will continually haunt our conscious.

02 July 2006

faith and the state of unicorns.

It’s hard to prove that a unicorn doesn’t exist, especially hard to prove that God doesn’t exist, because God just by definition is outside of space and time.

does this not sum up so many of the thoughts that i've been having the past few months? it does indeed, and i can't help but think that if there were other people in the world that would just think about this statement, they would understand so many of the isssues that are fucking things up. take care my friends with your faith. space and time are not areas that are easily explored.

17 June 2006

A silver platter.

What we seek, at the deepest level, is inwardly to resemble, rather than physically to possess, the objects and places that touch us through their beauty.

29 May 2006

what does exist?

I don’t think you can start wanting something until you know it exists.
Can we not want anything? What is it that is driving intense need for things? For shit, essentially? Shit that we don’t need -- just want. What is the problem with all of this? Why does it still make you feel so empty? It makes me think that there is something to “the others”. Those that live without wants because of their not knowing they exist. This must have been what it was like in the past, what it was like in the time when all people were seeking out was life fulfillment through finding food and having a family, wondering the earth for something more meaningful didn’t seem to concern them. It didn’t seem to make it to the top of their list of things to do for the day. We are all seeking out something, yearning for something. Love? Money? Success? Fame? Good grades? Or just the next meal for our table, the next glass of clean water for out glass. It has nothing to do with a spiritual world, and everything to do with a physical world. A world where perhaps, people should put their faith in each other, in things you can see and touch and feel and move and laugh with, cry with, hold and change. At some point, physical needs surpass other needs of a person. True, holistically, we need a balance, but at some point we have to give into what it is that our body truly desires. Are we all just wondering around like lost sheep in a pasture? Merely content with the grass that is given us? Satisfied with its constant taste, color and shape? Content with only that? One thing in a world of countless options? Why should we settle for one when we can have many. Why should we settle for many when we can have all. Why should we settle at all? Why not go on with what we have been given to use instead of wasting our time looking around for the next best thing, the better option. Maybe its because we don’t realize that it exists. Maybe we don’t really want options at all. Maybe we have just been told that we want options. Maybe we can be content with nature’s grass that has been given to us. Maybe it is there because it is all we need to live on -- all that we need to survive. Why should we challenge it? Because we can? Or because we are made to. Don’t give up. Give up. I am finished.

23 May 2006

Just for kicks.

From Harpers.org

Posted on Thursday, September 9, 2004. The following items were among those found in the last two years during California’s Coastal Cleanup Day, an annual event in which volunteers remove debris from the state’s shorelines. Since the program began in 1985, 8.5 million pounds of garbage have been removed. Originally from Harper's Magazine, June 2004.

4-foot-long stuffed toy salmon
horse’s head
urinal drain
cat’s headstone stating “Your soul is safe now! The spirit is home. Rest in God’s Peace.”
baby bird in a jar
2 phone booths
styrofoam Tiki god
home pregnancy test
Barbie doll with a nail through its hand
pit bull chained to a tree
Scooby Doo underwear
10 dead leopard sharks
plastic eyeball
wooden duck
“Just Married” sign
half a bowling ball
Led Zeppelin album
preserved jalapeños
fuzzy dice
check written to Taco Bell for $8.78
Dracula teeth
crutch
foam foot advertising a fungus cream
half a turtle shell with leg attached
bird burial box stating “My beloved Chico is dead in this box. He died of old age.”
porcupine bones
divorce papers
dead goats in a bag

03 May 2006

don't throw stones.



well, if you ask me, there is nothing that seems to compare to living.

12 April 2006

there is something bigger


there is something bigger out there don't you think? there is this almost looming feeling going around now that something might not be quite right. there there is something questioning and thinking and almost blooming. waiting for something specific to happen before it fully becomes what it is supposed to be.

is it a great mystery of just something that we've made into a mystery? i think we do understand it. i think we choose not to because it makes it more interesting -- because we are all searching for something and if we didn't have that search, then we would have nothing.

this search is part of life. it is part of looking for love and acceptance and peace. it is part of seeking truth in our lives and the lives of others. in the community we are a part of and live in. we are wonderers in this game. the game should be called "Sorry" but that name is already taken.

We are sleeping on the saviour. We sleep on it every day and night. It is just that we have to wake up to it -- feel it -- and it will accept us as we are.

19 March 2006

end of the line

i sometimes think thoughts are like planes, flying overhead, waiting for someone to pick them out of the air and i always think of the line from the invitation for communion "lift up your hearts, we lift them to the lord" and imagining people lifting their hearts into the air while a 747 flies over.

15 March 2006

perfect.

today i experienced something, that in a few days i hope to understand.

14 February 2006

almost invisible




something is happening
things have suddenly changed
and then we lose something in
the awkwardness that is
the change. the third degree
runs around us as we walk along
the waterfront

and as you move to the
sound of the wind in the
trees i think about me
you us them and then
try and move a mountain
because you asked me to

you ask me to do a lot
of things and i always
reply with a yes because
i don't mind doing the things
you ask of me because i like
to make you happy -- happy

i'm making a mistake
and you are there to witness it
and don't understand that it is
for you, it is always for you
leaving me to wonder if your
mad at me for doing it

i can make myself believe
almost anything and when
i try to tell my self that
isn't true, i believe that
too.

maybe i'll just run away,
if only for a night.

02 February 2006

doing fine

I'm looking for a dare to be great situation.

-lloyd dobler
Say Anything

04 January 2006

to mystery



mexico is for mystery
or so they tell me
when we drink a
couple of coronas
and toast to it.

mexico is for mystery
as that sort of thing
goes. coffee is needed,
sleep is needed, peace is
upon us, but time is our
enemy.