reading.

15 May 2007

You know, there is something new out there happening. Every now and then it comes around – blows in with the wind or rides in on the tide. It’s a change or a movement of some sort that allows us to say something we mean, to do something that we wouldn’t normally do or maybe it just allows us the ability to think without the overpowering effects of the world laying down on us. There is no good reason for why this happens, but it does and it is accepted. I find myself in this world where sometimes, I don’t necessarily feel like I’m living in. There are moments of complete transcendence beyond this plane of life that is here and now to a place that once was perhaps. I think the past has a lot to offer us – I mean there is no way to deny what has happened and there is no way to necessarily change what has happened, but yet, there are dwellings on the past that are the types of dwellings that people are able to use to write, to think to process and proceed in life with some sort of idea of what is happening or what is supposed to happen, even when that “thing” doesn’t happen. We can blame the present and maybe worry about the future, but the past is one thing in life that is certain and unfailing. It pushes us steadily along our way, drifting through the river of despair, love, happiness and whatever else luck seems to throw our way. What do we do with those thoughts that are hidden deep inside our mind from all others? Those ideas and wants that we dare not share with the closest of friend, the most trustworthy of companions? Is that what life is truly made of? Not the actuality of it all, but the hidden aspects of reality? Its possible. The future of our lives are, some might say, shaped by our actions now, which is mostly true, but then there are also those times that are just random, mysterious things that happen without no real reason for them coming to life. Its these times that we realize where our true selves are, where are beings are hiding, running through the underbrush of the forest while the other part of us is casually walking towards them. It’s the underbelly of life that presents us with the most possibilities – with the most problems and deficits – with the greatest chance to adapt and form a thought around it – to move through it while hurting and crying out for it to go back where it came from. Everyone knows but no one dares speaks of it. It is allusive and yet, always near. A warning from within what we have is always subject to change and disappointment. The best we can do is try and achieve a level of knowledge or cleverness that will enable us to recognize when these aspects of our personality are about to surface in full form – giving us the ability to use it to help us grow and learn from it – to force it to the surface and trust it, look at it and ourselves and be critical but also understanding. It is in those most sincere and honest moments where we can truly and fully recognize our true selves in the person that we have become. We can see the person we will become and the person that we will suppress – the person others know and the person others think they know. It will hurt – we will cry – but slowly begin to acknowledge that it was worth the pain – that we will continue on with this life in one form or another and it is up to us to decide for ourselves what that form will be, what form we will take. Difficult, sure, but what part of this isn’t?